TGP Chapter 23: Old Dreams

“All these years, he had not only lost Li Rong but also lost sight of himself.”

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Having said that, Li Rong, she brought her hand up to pour water into Pei Wenxuan’s mouth, almost making Pei Wenxuan choke to death. He struggled to push the cup away, nervously asking: “What are you doing?”

“Sobered up now?”

Li Rong smiled, stood up and said to the servant: “Help him up, we’re leaving.”

With that said, Li Rong boarded the carriage first while someone else helped Pei Wenxuan onto the carriage then withdrew.

The carriage set off with the clattering of the horses’ hooves. Li Rong was sitting as usual, albeit in the attire of a dancing girl with Pei Wenxuan’s robes draped over her shoulders, composed and graceful. There was a heart stirring charm between each and every one of her movements that could not be put to words.

When Pei Wenxuan got onto the carriage and saw Li Rong’s appearance, his expressions stiffened. He needed a moment to stabilize his emotions before looking away, pretending not to have seen anything as he went over to a spot opposite of Li Rong, closed his eyes and laid down.

“Not going to ask me where I’m taking you?”

Li Rong asked with a smile when she saw Pei Wenxuan playing dead. Pei Wenxuan did not open his eyes and only indifferently said: “It’s not like I’m being dragged to death anyways.”

“You have that much faith in me?”

Li Rong softly laughed: “You actually trust me this much now.”

“You could very well kill me now, then try and see if you can get married tomorrow. Who knows, maybe you will be wearing this Persian dancing girl’s costume for a long, long time.”

Li Rong could hear Pei Wenxuan’s vehement disapproval of the costume and couldn’t help but look down and take a good look at herself before saying: “I think these clothes look quite good, why do you have so many opinions about it?”

Pei Wenxuan was about to start talking when Li Rong immediately reminded him: “You have no right to speak of indecency with me. I remember in those days when I was young, I wore this outfit, and at that time, you told me that it suited me well and had a uniquely exquisite style.”

These words made Pei Wenxuan choke up, leaving him at a loss for words. All the words that were about to be spoken could not come out, nor could they be swallowed back down his throat. After holding back for what felt like half a day, he only said: “I don’t think that is the case anymore.”

Li Rong gave a mocking smile: “Pei Wenxuan, you were also considered romantic gongzi when you were young, but now you are almost no different from those rotten old men.”¹

[1] Contextual Trivia

Li Rong uses 老头子 (Lǎo tóu zi) here for old man. However, this has a distinctly affectionate context in colloquial when used to refer to an aging husband, as in “my old man.” Whenever Li Rong and Pei Wenxuan call each other an old man or old woman, they tend to use words that have connotations of an old couple than its more derogatory counterparts (but not always), such as “(my) old woman” rather than “old witch.”

When they were young, Pei Wenxuan was not a distinguished, romantic gentleman that no one did not know like Su Rongqing. Others said that he was somewhat withdrawn, dull and even old-fashioned.

But in reality, he would accompany her to leisurely stroll among the colored lanterns of the Lantern Festival and watch as she had fun, dressing up as those Persian dancers and slipping into the crowd to join the dance wearing a face veil. At that moment, he was still brightly smiling and praising her, saying that no one was as beautiful as she was. By the time the dance ended and the cold wind blew past, he would quietly put his arms around her shoulders, using his wide sleeves to protect her from the cold.

Then she blinked and even asked him, “Are you not mad?”

Pei Wenxuan had a smile that was not quite a smile as he cast a sidelong glance at the person in his arms: “Seeing the peony bloom throughout Huajing, I couldn’t be any happier, so why would I be mad?”

Li Rong raised her eyebrows. Pei Wenxuan knew that this was a warning to not tease her, so he straightened out his expressions and mildly said, “I was a bit unhappy inside, but seeing you so happy, I didn’t feel unhappy anymore. Moreover, on the basis of reason,” Pei Wenxuan earnestly said, “Everything about Your Highness belongs to Your Highness, I have no right nor a say in it. I am just content to keep Your Highness company.”

These words made people happy. Li Rong simply asked, “All of me is mine, so what about you?”

Pei Wenxuan saw Li Rong’s face light up expectantly. He turned his fan around and embraced the young lady as they walked through the bustling streets of Huajing. He protected Li Rong from the busy crowd coming and going around them and smiled: “With the exception of one’s own morals, family and old friends, all of Pei Wenxuan belongs to Your Highness.”

“Morals, family, and old friends,” Li Rong repeated aloud, feeling a bit unhappy, “With the exception of these things… Then what are you left with?”

“If these things are not left out,” Pei Wenxuan was helpless, “I would only have Your Highness in my life. Wouldn’t that make me an unreliable, unfilial, unrighteous person? Would Your Highness like such a person?”

Li Rong thought about it for a while. She would not like it either. She knew fully well from the bottom of her heart that if she actually received such unconditional affections, she would not want to accept it.

She was only playing around, but Pei Wenxuan was used to taking everything seriously. She stopped asking questions and just came to a stop.

Seeing her stop, Pei Wenxuan turned to look at her. Li Rong held out her hand and slightly raised her chin and said: “Forget it. Since you can only give me so much of yourself, I have no choice but to treat you a little better.”

With that said, she looked at Pei Wenxuan’s outer robe and said, “Put the outer robe on me.”

Pei Wenxuan paused when he heard these words and absentmindedly stared at Li Rong. Not knowing what he was thinking, Li Rong saw him in a daze and couldn’t help but urge him: “Hurry up.”

Pei Wenxuan came back to his senses when he heard this. He took off his outer robe and put it on Li Rong. The moment he pulled his outer robe over Li Rong, the Lantern Festival fireworks rose overhead and burst. The crowd that was coming and going on the streets, men and women all looked up at the sky. Li Rong was no exception either. She quickly raised her head ,and the falling fireworks caught her eye. At that time, Pei Wenxuan wordlessly held her hand and lowered his head to plant a kiss on her lips the moment everyone looked up at the fireworks.

The kiss was fleeting and dissipated in an instant like the fireworks, but Li Rong was shocked and stood frozen in place for a while before returning to her senses. After all, Pei Wenxuan had always been a cautious and somewhat rigid person. She had never dared to think that he would kiss her in such a crowded place.

However, the other party was still calm and composed as he held her hand, smiled and said: “Let’s go, Your Highness.”

Li Rong didn’t say anything and let him lead her away. He walked in front, and she followed in his footsteps. After a while, she asked in a quiet voice: “Why did you kiss me in front of so many people?”

Pei Wenxuan was walking in front, so she could not see his face, which was flushed with embarrassment. She only heard his elegant and righteous voice, tinged with a bit of an unspeakable charm as he gently said in a low voice: “Rongrong, I’m very happy.”

He did not go into much detail and just said one thing, which was that he was very happy.

As for what he was happy about, what he enjoyed, and why he did what he did in that moment despite himself, it was something that he himself did not understand either.

Recalling Pei Wenxuan at that time, Li Rong looked at the man with his eyes closed, lying there like a corpse. She couldn’t help but sigh and said, “Time forces people to grow old.”

“You speak as if you are not old.”

Pei Wenxuan heard her reminiscing about those days and turned over on his side in annoyance and grumbled, “Old lady.”

Li Rong let out a soft ‘heh,’ “Rotten old man.”

Pei Wenxuan did not speak. He didn’t know if it was because he had drank too much, but he felt rather uncomfortable when he heard Li Rong say that.

If the good times in those days had not been brought up, he would not have realized what kind of sorry state he was in now.

When Li Rong reminded him of those days, he remembered that he had not had that kind of mentality like in his youth for many, many years—that kind of easygoing, gentle and calm mentality, always full of hope and devoid of fear.

He remembered that he also had many hobbies when he was young. He knew how to paint and compose poetry. When he was in high spirits, he would play the zither and perform sword dances and could be considered a talented young man hailing from an aristocratic family.

He would walk up mountains when the weather was nice or perhaps cruise through the mountains and rivers on a boat, admiring the landscape to his heart’s content. At that time, he felt that everyone was good, and everything was beautiful, especially Li Rong. Every time her eyes curved up as she smiled, he felt that in that moment that there could never be another winter.

However, he didn’t understand how they embarked down this road either. Li Rong quarreled with him. They separated. Then, his mother passed away. Li Rong and Su Rongqing were together. Qin Zhenzhen died in the inner palace. Li Chuan’s personality drastically changed. The more power he had in his hands, the more he climbed to a higher and higher position, the stranger everything became.

He felt exhausted every day, tired of everything. After finishing his official duties everyday, his greatest wish to find a quiet and peaceful place with no one around, close the doors, shut himself inside and stay there by himself. He was afraid of meeting the people around him because among those people he saw on a daily basis, there would either be disputes or the need to cautiously entertain them and remain vigilant. Even if it was Li Rong, whenever they saw one another, there was endless ridicule and scolding.

Day and night, year after year, everything continued to repeat, making him even more tired and irritable, and the more tired he was, the more irritable he became. It was a self-perpetuating cycle. He lived like a trapped animal, wildly running around and knocking into the bars every day until one day, he turned his head back and discovered that he had smashed his head and was bleeding to the point where he was beyond recognition.

He heard Li Rong talking about such a beautiful past and couldn’t sleep anymore. He simply stared at the swaying wall of the carriage with open eyes and said nothing.

Li Rong sipped her tea and saw that he seemed to be asleep. She took the account book and began to look through it. After some time, she suddenly heard Pei Wenxuan ask: “I’m not very pleasant, am I?”

Li Rong paused. After a while, she slowly said, “Aren’t I also very unpleasant?”

Pei Wenxuan did not speak. Li Rong looked down and turned the page of the book before flatly saying: “Always quarreling with you, always saying that you are wrong. It is the same with everyone, so you should not put yourself down like that.”

Pei Wenxuan was at a loss for words for a moment when he heard Li Rong’s words. Li Rong knew that Pei Wenxuan was probably thinking of something unpleasant, so she advised him: “You have been drinking and may not be in your right mind. Don’t think too much and go to sleep. We will go to Jiulu Mountain to find Qin Lin tomorrow. Given the time, news of the Yang family being besieged will reach the border soon. At that time, the Yang family on the front lines will certainly make trouble, and Chuan’er may have to set out soon. Therefore, we must persuade Qin Lin to accompany Chuan’er to the front lines beforehand.”

Pei Wenxuan listened as Li Rong calmly discussed the situation with him. He almost seemed to reply out of habit once Li Rong had finished speaking, “I know Qin Lin, but the person I’m most worried about is actually Cui Qinghe… Let’s see the situation at Jiulu Mountain tomorrow first. Don’t worry too much.”

“En.” Li Rong heard that and turned over another page in the account book before saying, “Go to sleep. I will wake you up when we arrive at the Princess’s mansion later.”

Seeing that Li Rong didn’t want to continue, Pei Wenxuan did not say anything more. He closed his eyes and slipped into a trance before falling asleep.

As he slept, he dreamt of the three years he spent in filial piety in Luzhou for some reason. Although he had no official position at that time, he was rather free-spirited and easygoing. On warm days with a pleasant breeze, he would bring a jug of wine and flute with him and row the boat down the lake, looking for a cool, shady place to nap for an afternoon. On his way back, he would pick some lotus seeds and give them to the children he encountered on the streets. If the lotuses were in full bloom, then he would also pick some lotuses and give them out to little girls he met on the way that day.

He couldn’t help but laugh in his dream. Then, he heard the sound of bursting fireworks in his dream, and the eighteen year old Li Rong appeared, dressed in the outfit of a Persian dancer with a face veil standing in the crowd and learning the dance from their gestures.

Her slender waist was as flexible as a snake. When she moved, the beaded fringe over her waist gently swayed, outlining a kind of sultry charm there yet not quite there. Her eyes were shining, looking at him from within the crowd. Even though half of her face was hidden behind the veil, he could see her smile like that of a proud and clever little cat.

He looked at the young woman from a distance as he stood amidst the stream of people and couldn’t help but laugh.

The young woman didn’t know what happened, so she walked up to him with his clothes draped over her. She looked at him with a bright smile.

“Pei Wenxuan.” She called his name but didn’t say anything else. She just quietly looked at him.

Then, a young man with a gentle expression appeared by her side and quietly stood beside her with the same face as Pei Wenxuan but an entirely different temperament.

“Pei Wenxuan,” Li Rong laughed, “I will be going now.”

With that said, Li Rong pulled that person’s hand away, her figure gradually fading away. Pei Wenxuan vaguely heard someone calling him: “Pei daren? Pei gongzi? Pei Wenxuan? Dog Pei!”

Pei Wenxuan slowly opened his eyes in the middle of the series of calls. He saw Li Rong with her head bowed, looking down at him and lightly patting his face as she said, “Are you asleep or unconscious? Quickly get up, we’re leaving.”

Pei Wenxuan absentmindedly recollected himself. He pretended to calmly nod, then slowly got up.

Li Rong looked at him for a moment and saw that he was awake and said: “I’ll go down first, you can take your time.”

With that said, Li Rong got out of the carriage. Pei Wenxuan staved off his sluggishness for a few moments, then he got up and also got out of the carriage.

The two of them proceeded to raise their heads and look up at the plaque of the Princess’s mansion.

This was the place where they used to live together for many years, so it couldn’t be any more familiar, but after coming back from life and death and standing in front of the doors once again, a vague sense of solidarity was born after having gone through the vicissitudes of life.

The two of them looked at one another. Li Rong smiled: “We’re back.”

Pei Wenxuan also smiled. He lowered his head and softly said: “Let’s go inside.”

Li Rong rarely came to the Princess’s mansion, so when she arrived, the entire Princess’s mansion immediately lit up with lanterns and became bustling with noise.

Li Rong and Pei Wenxuan walked to the rear courtyard together. Pei Wenxuan was assigned to another room. Pei Wenxuan looked at this familiar yet unfamiliar place and listened as Li Rong adeptly gave instructions: “Plant a peach blossom tree here, and move that red maple tree over there to the Eastern Courtyard. Replace the incense in the rooms with the Luo family’s freesia wood, and as for the vase…”

There were many things that Li Rong planned to change, so she headed straight through the door of the rear courtyard. An attendant approached Pei Wenxuan and said, “Gongzi, please come this way.”

Pei Wenxuan nodded. He said his goodbyes to Li Rong: “Your Highness, this humble official will rest first.”

“Hm.” Li Rong subconsciously responded and nodded, then she turned to the steward and said, “There is also the stump of the rose shrub over there…”

Pei Wenxuan heard Li Rong’s words as he walked along the promenade. He looked at the moonlight shining on the floor of the promenade and listened to Li Rong’s chattering voice. After taking a few steps, he stopped. He turned his head and saw Li Rong. She was still wearing the outfit of a Persian dancer with his robe draped over her, but there was an imposing manner in the way she gave orders to the attendants.

This look was quite different from when she was young, yet at the same time, it seemed to be no different.

Pei Wenxuan quietly looked on for a moment and couldn’t help but smile.

He suddenly called out: “Your Highness!”

Li Rong turned around and saw Pei Wenxuan standing on the promenade.

He looked at her and suddenly said, “Actually, your outfit looks very good.”

Li Rong was stunned when she heard this. She saw Pei Wenxuan put his hands in front of him and bow in salute. He gently said: “Have a good night, Your Highness.”

At that moment, Li Rong was in a daze. She seemed to see the twenty year old Pei Wenxuan before her, but it wasn’t quite him either.

She couldn’t help but lightly pat her face.

“I must go to bed early.”

She murmured to herself.

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Autumn: I thought the message of this chapter was just beautiful and all too real.

Bit of a tangent ahead…

The other day, I joined some folks from the same department in a check-in over video call. Most people talked about technical difficulties and local measures, but one woman discussed how having to stay at home actually gave her the time and space to rediscover old hobbies. She told us how she found old photo albums and notebooks from high school while cleaning and was hit by nostalgia and a sense of emptiness.

She realized that ever since graduating, it was as if she had been on auto-pilot, going to university, going into the work force and working a 9-5 job that she forgot she used to enjoy photography and creative writing. She had always been so busy and tired at the end of each day that she felt like she had lost sight of who she used to be and become a cog in the corporate machine. Picking up old hobbies was like picking herself up back up again after a long journey. Everyone on the call shared a moment of silence and applauded her because we all could empathize with that.

So, this chapter hit me in a different way when I reread and translated it. I know it’s a rebirth romance novel, a dime a dozen, but it’s these little moments that remind me why I knew I wanted to translate and share this work. Such is youth, and it’s nice that our main characters have a second chance to make the most of it—which is a refreshing take from the usual “career-oriented” plot in a quest for revenge or to prove oneself.

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